Learning to Love

Yesterday , I put down my phone for a few hours, picked up a self-help book, and sat in my yard in silence. I watched two hens  lead a large clutch of chicks over some green banana peels near the foot of that very crop, and it was then that I realized a young plant was also forming at the base of the tree. After being bitten near my butt by an overly friendly ant, I decided to walk to the other end of my yard and apparently there is also a small vine of passion fruits , and it was then that I was finally able to distinguish between the mango and kennip tree barks. I asked myself, where have I been? How could I have not known these things, so I lay down on the floor nearing the back of the house and I just gazed at the swaying coconut trees and the clouds in the hills. They had so much definition, the different shades of green and orange were so sharp, I felt calm,and at ease , and it wasn’t too long before I started to drift away.

Waking up in a renewed spirit, I remembered why I had taken a break in the first place. I needed to disconnect from everyone else, and find the comfort I once did in being by myself. I was content, and felt self-sufficient,  I reminded myself that I was indeed enough and worthy of being loved. I decided that I would learn who I am, understand my needs and wants, know what I deem acceptable and what I am willing to risk, and I decided I would reassess my values and develop standards all in the name of love. I believe in doing so, self love, the first step to true love, develops.

But why as a young twenty (20) year old woman ,  would I be so concerned about a love that wasn’t present right now. There was no one who had confessed their feelings,  and in turn I wasn’t “in love”. But meeting someone lately had reminded me to prepare myself for the love that I wanted , the amazing, unconditional love I pray that God has in store for me-the love I not only want to feel for myself, but the love I want to feel for someone else. So here goes, today is the first day that I am learning to love.

This post is the first in my “To Love and Be Loved” series , so look out for more posts. But right now it’s Destra Vs. Lucy , and I feel so nice. 😀

Advertisements

New Beginnings

Generic , played out , overused ; I know. But yet for some reason I just can’t help but feel the need to open up about my fresh start. I’m stepping into myself , the whole outer body, from the outside looking in perspective , has been far from ideal , but for a long time has served as a major part of my identity . I tend to keep the door closed , the curtains down and the notifications off and before the past year I was somewhat content with living on the corner of hermit and homebody. However, this year is different , and I think working and meeting some new people have brought about this change . Like Wale would say , “I like the person that you are , but I’m in love with person that you have potential to be” (Ambitious Girl) , and right now I’m like a ball at the top of a hill, my gravitational potential energy is at its highest. I have transformed again and again, trying to fit the mold that each new person has come with crafted for me. I’m ready to just fit into my own god given mold. So this year I’m getting my shit together , dressing the way I want , doing the things I love, spending time with the people who matter and keeping my space positive. I’m staying ready.

Jhene Aiko – Stay Ready ft. Kendrick Lamar