Self Destruct: 71

“And just as the phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise
returning from the flames clothed in nothing but her strength
more beautiful than ever before. ” – Phoenix and Ashes

CashMoneyAp x CLS Beatz – No Love

So like an event of spontaneous human combustion, I was set on fire, and thrust into flames. Oxygen , my trusted friend , I had always known one day you’d be the one to betray me , but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I’d go out like this. For much of my life I had known myself to be an alkane , single bonded and kinetically stable in your presence, and being as ethnocentric as I was, I embraced my latin roots overvaluing my relatively low reactivity , and in turn undervaluing your own strength. The power to give and take, you had, and I  had overestimated my lack of desire to form ionic and covalent bonds, and in turn I forgot my value as a fuel , I saw myself as being only the gas to keep your ego going as you were credited for the entire process of combustion, for without you I would do nothing. So it’s no surprise when you set me on fire I readily burned like the flame eager to please a wick. I was put out and lit again as a reminder that my flame was only useful in the dead of night , where bulbs no longer worked and DOMLEC (Dominica Electricity Services) had once again taken [dem] lights. So, like a hamster ass nigga just caught in the loop ( Hopsin – Ill Mind of Hopsin 5 ) once again you set me ablaze, but this time you burnt my body to a crisp. I was no longer fit to keep on living and to breathe in the beautiful air that once stung my lungs to give me life. My death wasn’t due to your absence but your presence. My death was beautiful, and melancholic at the same time. – Forever yours C11H24

At a Price

By: Cleopatra Christopher

J. Cole- Neighbors

What do you value?
What do you want?
Who are you?

Sometimes I don’t know
I feel like I’m a poem
stuck in between the riveting drama and lapses in prose
I want happiness,
Freedom
A place to call my own
I want to feel comfortable
Not like an Aspie, you know an introvert

So what are you doing about it?
What changes have you made?
Have you decided to go to burger king?
You know, have it your way!

Fam I’ve been tryna make a turn
But my boy just ain’t come thru’
Like I need to get my own shit poppin’
Let me catch a ride with you
I’ll holla back,
Give me till like twenty twenty-two (2022)

You know you’re super cool Love
Ain’t never met a girl like you
So swift, so swift
Nikki Giovanni would be so proud of you

But still it’s never that easy
And I often question who I am
I switch from tomboy to girly-girl
From nature lover to nerd
From artsy chick to doing comedy skits
I’m far out, I act like I run the six
I’m a Muslim singing Christian hymns
I’m confused it’s like I love him,
but I dislike his cockiness, his arrogance

I want to focus
I need to focus
I’m sorry for my impatience,
My impracticality,
My longing for love an intimacy
I’m sorry I’m so erratic,
but I’m generally ecstatic when I see you
When I see it,
I go weak in knees when I feel my accomplishments…
slip!
I long for the bitterness that drips from toil
So I can truly enjoy the fruits of my labour
So if it comes too easy
I don’t want it
If it tastes too good from the get go,
It most probably isn’t worth it
Therefore, neither do I want it nor do I value it
And as such that is the definition of who I am.
I need strife and war and struggle and heartache to be satisfied
To feel full, I need a little less of you ,
And a lot more of me.
I need to work hard if I am ever going to be happy.

Update on my life: Taking a break from social media , 2 week Hiatus, I am in silence. 

Learning to Love

Yesterday , I put down my phone for a few hours, picked up a self-help book, and sat in my yard in silence. I watched two hens  lead a large clutch of chicks over some green banana peels near the foot of that very crop, and it was then that I realized a young plant was also forming at the base of the tree. After being bitten near my butt by an overly friendly ant, I decided to walk to the other end of my yard and apparently there is also a small vine of passion fruits , and it was then that I was finally able to distinguish between the mango and kennip tree barks. I asked myself, where have I been? How could I have not known these things, so I lay down on the floor nearing the back of the house and I just gazed at the swaying coconut trees and the clouds in the hills. They had so much definition, the different shades of green and orange were so sharp, I felt calm,and at ease , and it wasn’t too long before I started to drift away.

Waking up in a renewed spirit, I remembered why I had taken a break in the first place. I needed to disconnect from everyone else, and find the comfort I once did in being by myself. I was content, and felt self-sufficient,  I reminded myself that I was indeed enough and worthy of being loved. I decided that I would learn who I am, understand my needs and wants, know what I deem acceptable and what I am willing to risk, and I decided I would reassess my values and develop standards all in the name of love. I believe in doing so, self love, the first step to true love, develops.

But why as a young twenty (20) year old woman ,  would I be so concerned about a love that wasn’t present right now. There was no one who had confessed their feelings,  and in turn I wasn’t “in love”. But meeting someone lately had reminded me to prepare myself for the love that I wanted , the amazing, unconditional love I pray that God has in store for me-the love I not only want to feel for myself, but the love I want to feel for someone else. So here goes, today is the first day that I am learning to love.

This post is the first in my “To Love and Be Loved” series , so look out for more posts. But right now it’s Destra Vs. Lucy , and I feel so nice. 😀

Revelation

“When shit hit the fan is you still a fan ? Won’t you look to your left and right , make sure you ask your friends.”( Kendrick Lamar, Mortal Man)

And so the cookie crumbles, with that being said, I have no choice but to step out again, I seem to have missed the mark , miscalculated , misinterpreted , jumped the gun , put the left foot in the right shoe, and all my buttons in the wrong holes. And yes, I do admit that I feel like an idiot. I believe in divine decree , but all I can hear is Bryson Tiller playing in the back of my mind , “I am on a whole ‘nother level , girl he only fucked you over cause you let him ” Bryson Tiller, Don’t , but as with all fresh wounds , we must lick them sooner than later if we are to heal properly.

However, it’s always interesting how we only listen to our guts when we’re almost starved to death. And in the same breath we try to feed our empty souls which we have long forsaken, and forgotten also need to eat. Nevertheless , there comes a time when we must make like newborn vampires and feed. So let me be positively annoying and say , the bright side is , “the rest is still unwritten.” Natasha Bedingfield- Unwritten

 

New Beginnings

Generic , played out , overused ; I know. But yet for some reason I just can’t help but feel the need to open up about my fresh start. I’m stepping into myself , the whole outer body, from the outside looking in perspective , has been far from ideal , but for a long time has served as a major part of my identity . I tend to keep the door closed , the curtains down and the notifications off and before the past year I was somewhat content with living on the corner of hermit and homebody. However, this year is different , and I think working and meeting some new people have brought about this change . Like Wale would say , “I like the person that you are , but I’m in love with person that you have potential to be” (Ambitious Girl) , and right now I’m like a ball at the top of a hill, my gravitational potential energy is at its highest. I have transformed again and again, trying to fit the mold that each new person has come with crafted for me. I’m ready to just fit into my own god given mold. So this year I’m getting my shit together , dressing the way I want , doing the things I love, spending time with the people who matter and keeping my space positive. I’m staying ready.

Jhene Aiko – Stay Ready ft. Kendrick Lamar