Self Destruct: 71

“And just as the phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise
returning from the flames clothed in nothing but her strength
more beautiful than ever before. ” – Phoenix and Ashes

CashMoneyAp x CLS Beatz – No Love

So like an event of spontaneous human combustion, I was set on fire, and thrust into flames. Oxygen , my trusted friend , I had always known one day you’d be the one to betray me , but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I’d go out like this. For much of my life I had known myself to be an alkane , single bonded and kinetically stable in your presence, and being as ethnocentric as I was, I embraced my latin roots overvaluing my relatively low reactivity , and in turn undervaluing your own strength. The power to give and take, you had, and I  had overestimated my lack of desire to form ionic and covalent bonds, and in turn I forgot my value as a fuel , I saw myself as being only the gas to keep your ego going as you were credited for the entire process of combustion, for without you I would do nothing. So it’s no surprise when you set me on fire I readily burned like the flame eager to please a wick. I was put out and lit again as a reminder that my flame was only useful in the dead of night , where bulbs no longer worked and DOMLEC (Dominica Electricity Services) had once again taken [dem] lights. So, like a hamster ass nigga just caught in the loop ( Hopsin – Ill Mind of Hopsin 5 ) once again you set me ablaze, but this time you burnt my body to a crisp. I was no longer fit to keep on living and to breathe in the beautiful air that once stung my lungs to give me life. My death wasn’t due to your absence but your presence. My death was beautiful, and melancholic at the same time. – Forever yours C11H24

My Day with Mr. Gill

So I land in Barbados after an eight-hour flight from Gatwick, London after having been delayed in Copenhagen due to a snow storm, and so I had to run from Gatwick’s South to North Terminal at lightning speed so I wouldn’t miss my international flight. Oh and guess what the handle on my suitcase became dysfunctional, it wouldn’t lift, so I had to hold on to the pretty floral cloth that I used to identify my worn out, traveled out bag and lug it across the airport floor. Man, over the holidays in Denmark I put on like 10 lbs, I swear I lost 4 lbs that day. Anyway fast forward,  lol started from the bottom now we’re here, I heaved a sigh of relief as a made it to my gate, “British Airways 003183 , now boarding economy class, duh the only class I could possibly be sitting in at 19, so I got on board , didn’t get a window seat like I did with all my other flights, but ended up sitting next to a Grenadian  working in Barcelona on a cruise ship returning home for a visit, Sheldon Buckmire, man was he great company for the duration of the flight. It was rich meeting someone else from the “lesser” of the Antilles.

Anyway jet lagged, hungry and in need of some warm Caribbean sun, I arrived in Barbados (Rihanna Accent). Aunty Flora, a family friend picked me up, she put my stuff in the trunk and off we went to her humble abode in St. Michael’s Parish. It was there that I met her husband, he was a blind, bajan artist, wheelchair bound and tattooed with pigmentation from vitiligo. He had lived in London and had sold a number of his artworks to the government of Barbados. I tell you he was so rich in thought, in character in knowledge in belief and so we sat and talked for hours about art, poetry, music, culture, blackness. He had known racism, radicalism and had loved Nikki Giovanni, James Berry, Michael Anthony and Andrea Levy as much as I did. We only had a few hours, but he seemed to take a liking to me. He trusted me enough to take good care of copies of his artwork. He was so kind, the way he was reminded me of how I hoped to be in old age, firm, patient,very passionate, wanting to impart knowledge on youth, and sure of myself and the majority of the decisions I’ll have made.

So here goes, song of choice : Nina Simone – Ain’t Got No, I Got Life

So Into You

I wish you could hear my morning, birds chirping, chicks clucking, mangoes falling, leaves rustling, cats meowing, dogs barking and prayers being prayed as the yellow sun rises to a gleaming Caribbean sunny. It’s the type of morning that makes you think, “it’s a beautiful day to be alive, and a beautiful day to save lives.” Therefore, you pray an extra prayer for the less fortunate, you feel slightly more grateful for what you have and where you are in life, and you feel more positive about the day ahead. Today I feel really mellow, I don’t want much, I don’t have the urge to say much, I just have a few tasks that need to get done, and I pray that they all get done in good time.

[Ms. Cleo you is perdy, you is beautiful, you is smart, and today you is a child of God, be fearless , let nothing remove the glimmer of hope that still exists in your eyes, you can do it.]

And today, I press forward, all my insecurities, disappointments and feelings of doubt shall be left behind, I’ll sweep them out before I take off so that when I come home, they don’t creep up on me while I am alone.

So have an awesome day, whatever battle you’re fighting, take it to God , you are awesome, and amazingly special. Sing this song to yourself, Be so into you. Tamia – I’m So into You -DTwinz Cover

At a Price

By: Cleopatra Christopher

J. Cole- Neighbors

What do you value?
What do you want?
Who are you?

Sometimes I don’t know
I feel like I’m a poem
stuck in between the riveting drama and lapses in prose
I want happiness,
Freedom
A place to call my own
I want to feel comfortable
Not like an Aspie, you know an introvert

So what are you doing about it?
What changes have you made?
Have you decided to go to burger king?
You know, have it your way!

Fam I’ve been tryna make a turn
But my boy just ain’t come thru’
Like I need to get my own shit poppin’
Let me catch a ride with you
I’ll holla back,
Give me till like twenty twenty-two (2022)

You know you’re super cool Love
Ain’t never met a girl like you
So swift, so swift
Nikki Giovanni would be so proud of you

But still it’s never that easy
And I often question who I am
I switch from tomboy to girly-girl
From nature lover to nerd
From artsy chick to doing comedy skits
I’m far out, I act like I run the six
I’m a Muslim singing Christian hymns
I’m confused it’s like I love him,
but I dislike his cockiness, his arrogance

I want to focus
I need to focus
I’m sorry for my impatience,
My impracticality,
My longing for love an intimacy
I’m sorry I’m so erratic,
but I’m generally ecstatic when I see you
When I see it,
I go weak in knees when I feel my accomplishments…
slip!
I long for the bitterness that drips from toil
So I can truly enjoy the fruits of my labour
So if it comes too easy
I don’t want it
If it tastes too good from the get go,
It most probably isn’t worth it
Therefore, neither do I want it nor do I value it
And as such that is the definition of who I am.
I need strife and war and struggle and heartache to be satisfied
To feel full, I need a little less of you ,
And a lot more of me.
I need to work hard if I am ever going to be happy.

Update on my life: Taking a break from social media , 2 week Hiatus, I am in silence. 

Learning to Love

Yesterday , I put down my phone for a few hours, picked up a self-help book, and sat in my yard in silence. I watched two hens  lead a large clutch of chicks over some green banana peels near the foot of that very crop, and it was then that I realized a young plant was also forming at the base of the tree. After being bitten near my butt by an overly friendly ant, I decided to walk to the other end of my yard and apparently there is also a small vine of passion fruits , and it was then that I was finally able to distinguish between the mango and kennip tree barks. I asked myself, where have I been? How could I have not known these things, so I lay down on the floor nearing the back of the house and I just gazed at the swaying coconut trees and the clouds in the hills. They had so much definition, the different shades of green and orange were so sharp, I felt calm,and at ease , and it wasn’t too long before I started to drift away.

Waking up in a renewed spirit, I remembered why I had taken a break in the first place. I needed to disconnect from everyone else, and find the comfort I once did in being by myself. I was content, and felt self-sufficient,  I reminded myself that I was indeed enough and worthy of being loved. I decided that I would learn who I am, understand my needs and wants, know what I deem acceptable and what I am willing to risk, and I decided I would reassess my values and develop standards all in the name of love. I believe in doing so, self love, the first step to true love, develops.

But why as a young twenty (20) year old woman ,  would I be so concerned about a love that wasn’t present right now. There was no one who had confessed their feelings,  and in turn I wasn’t “in love”. But meeting someone lately had reminded me to prepare myself for the love that I wanted , the amazing, unconditional love I pray that God has in store for me-the love I not only want to feel for myself, but the love I want to feel for someone else. So here goes, today is the first day that I am learning to love.

This post is the first in my “To Love and Be Loved” series , so look out for more posts. But right now it’s Destra Vs. Lucy , and I feel so nice. 😀

What people really want

By: Cleopatra Christopher

What do people really want ?

I want the real you
no lies
real thighs, maybe a wing on the side

Like I’m take out

Maybe on a date
Or come to my crib let me fix you a plate
of me.

Bullshit.

Like it’s okay,
because I’ll pay you a single penny for your thoughts.

But all mine are two cents
Nothing less , but so much more
My shit, you just can’t afford .

…If you want, I can loan you the money ?
But what do people really want ?

I want the musictomatch that snatch
Snatch me your purse, let me take us out to eat
To eat the insides of your soul
So we can both watch you rot,

Ooh baby , you’re so dark
Like all I saw was his exterior.

The words he spoke mattered not
As long as he filled my ear
with his tongue

And like a snake he slithered into my DMs
and like an unsuspecting mouse,
I fell into the belly of the beast

Now my girl Lisha is like ,
Girl?
You let that dead, beat ass [nigga]
sweep you off your feet ?

Then again, I have no idea what people really want.

I swear I was, am deluded.

But like my ex who asked me where I’m moving,
I said on to better things . Drake- 10 Bands

Inspired by : Gemineye- Penny for your thoughts (Def Jam)

.

 

 

Carnival Time: Letting go

So here it is , this year I took to the streets at 2 am for an epic “powder fete” , followed by my first ever J’Ouvert. For the non-Caribbean folks , J’Ouvert is a massive street jam starting at the break of dawn to mark the beginning of carnival. It’s at this event you see all the group masqueraders dressed as witches and vampires, priests and serial killers, and of course in costumes that serve as social commentary. Furthermore,  one can also expect to see the sexy ladies who lay their burdens down as they “roll that boom boom”, in “pumpum shorts” that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination, Triple Kay Band- Roll that BoomBoom .  And in my island, Dominica, it’s go hard or go home, so of course , we couldn’t simply wait for 4am to start the fete , so from 2 in the morning we were fogging up the place, dancing and jumping, getting warmed up for what was to come. Machel Montano- The Fog .

And if I am to be honest with myself, this year carnival had a different feel for me, I saw my friends, revelers , children , myself and tourists alike really “letting go” . The release of tension, worries and inhibitions as immoral as it may sit with a lot of hearts  was something  that really spoke to me. I tend to always keep a conservative air about myself, but I couldn’t help but feel free this year to just enjoy life and live in the moment. There were so many people around me who seemed to care less about what people thought about their looks , what they we wearing , and how they behaved. I saw eyes that were near zenith, heard voices that screeched as loud as that good kush and alcohol, as I myself had a chance to delight in the taste and after effects of  refined corn crop. It was an experience worth having and one I would gladly do over again.. well maybe next year, so he better not tie me. Asa Bantan- Tie Me

Revelation

“When shit hit the fan is you still a fan ? Won’t you look to your left and right , make sure you ask your friends.”( Kendrick Lamar, Mortal Man)

And so the cookie crumbles, with that being said, I have no choice but to step out again, I seem to have missed the mark , miscalculated , misinterpreted , jumped the gun , put the left foot in the right shoe, and all my buttons in the wrong holes. And yes, I do admit that I feel like an idiot. I believe in divine decree , but all I can hear is Bryson Tiller playing in the back of my mind , “I am on a whole ‘nother level , girl he only fucked you over cause you let him ” Bryson Tiller, Don’t , but as with all fresh wounds , we must lick them sooner than later if we are to heal properly.

However, it’s always interesting how we only listen to our guts when we’re almost starved to death. And in the same breath we try to feed our empty souls which we have long forsaken, and forgotten also need to eat. Nevertheless , there comes a time when we must make like newborn vampires and feed. So let me be positively annoying and say , the bright side is , “the rest is still unwritten.” Natasha Bedingfield- Unwritten

 

New Beginnings

Generic , played out , overused ; I know. But yet for some reason I just can’t help but feel the need to open up about my fresh start. I’m stepping into myself , the whole outer body, from the outside looking in perspective , has been far from ideal , but for a long time has served as a major part of my identity . I tend to keep the door closed , the curtains down and the notifications off and before the past year I was somewhat content with living on the corner of hermit and homebody. However, this year is different , and I think working and meeting some new people have brought about this change . Like Wale would say , “I like the person that you are , but I’m in love with person that you have potential to be” (Ambitious Girl) , and right now I’m like a ball at the top of a hill, my gravitational potential energy is at its highest. I have transformed again and again, trying to fit the mold that each new person has come with crafted for me. I’m ready to just fit into my own god given mold. So this year I’m getting my shit together , dressing the way I want , doing the things I love, spending time with the people who matter and keeping my space positive. I’m staying ready.

Jhene Aiko – Stay Ready ft. Kendrick Lamar