Self Destruct: 71

“And just as the phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise
returning from the flames clothed in nothing but her strength
more beautiful than ever before. ” – Phoenix and Ashes

CashMoneyAp x CLS Beatz – No Love

So like an event of spontaneous human combustion, I was set on fire, and thrust into flames. Oxygen , my trusted friend , I had always known one day you’d be the one to betray me , but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I’d go out like this. For much of my life I had known myself to be an alkane , single bonded and kinetically stable in your presence, and being as ethnocentric as I was, I embraced my latin roots overvaluing my relatively low reactivity , and in turn undervaluing your own strength. The power to give and take, you had, and I  had overestimated my lack of desire to form ionic and covalent bonds, and in turn I forgot my value as a fuel , I saw myself as being only the gas to keep your ego going as you were credited for the entire process of combustion, for without you I would do nothing. So it’s no surprise when you set me on fire I readily burned like the flame eager to please a wick. I was put out and lit again as a reminder that my flame was only useful in the dead of night , where bulbs no longer worked and DOMLEC (Dominica Electricity Services) had once again taken [dem] lights. So, like a hamster ass nigga just caught in the loop ( Hopsin – Ill Mind of Hopsin 5 ) once again you set me ablaze, but this time you burnt my body to a crisp. I was no longer fit to keep on living and to breathe in the beautiful air that once stung my lungs to give me life. My death wasn’t due to your absence but your presence. My death was beautiful, and melancholic at the same time. – Forever yours C11H24

Learning to Love

Yesterday , I put down my phone for a few hours, picked up a self-help book, and sat in my yard in silence. I watched two hens  lead a large clutch of chicks over some green banana peels near the foot of that very crop, and it was then that I realized a young plant was also forming at the base of the tree. After being bitten near my butt by an overly friendly ant, I decided to walk to the other end of my yard and apparently there is also a small vine of passion fruits , and it was then that I was finally able to distinguish between the mango and kennip tree barks. I asked myself, where have I been? How could I have not known these things, so I lay down on the floor nearing the back of the house and I just gazed at the swaying coconut trees and the clouds in the hills. They had so much definition, the different shades of green and orange were so sharp, I felt calm,and at ease , and it wasn’t too long before I started to drift away.

Waking up in a renewed spirit, I remembered why I had taken a break in the first place. I needed to disconnect from everyone else, and find the comfort I once did in being by myself. I was content, and felt self-sufficient,  I reminded myself that I was indeed enough and worthy of being loved. I decided that I would learn who I am, understand my needs and wants, know what I deem acceptable and what I am willing to risk, and I decided I would reassess my values and develop standards all in the name of love. I believe in doing so, self love, the first step to true love, develops.

But why as a young twenty (20) year old woman ,  would I be so concerned about a love that wasn’t present right now. There was no one who had confessed their feelings,  and in turn I wasn’t “in love”. But meeting someone lately had reminded me to prepare myself for the love that I wanted , the amazing, unconditional love I pray that God has in store for me-the love I not only want to feel for myself, but the love I want to feel for someone else. So here goes, today is the first day that I am learning to love.

This post is the first in my “To Love and Be Loved” series , so look out for more posts. But right now it’s Destra Vs. Lucy , and I feel so nice. 😀