For my Best Friend

You know I miss you right?

It’s been four days, two hours and 30 minutes at this very moment that I’m writing, and after seeing you smile and hearing your voice on that video call, I can’t help but hurt a little and miss you some more knowing that it will be a while before we meet in person again.

In April 2015, we went on a trip to St. Lucia, CSME , you were goods and I was services, like two peas in a pod, together but separate in our own rights, we became friends. It was like fate, our rooms were at the end of the hallway on the third?? floor, right across from each other, and with you being the big scardy cat that you are, you couldn’t sleep alone so we rotated between whose room we slept in the entire week. We were friends before then, but that trip changed it for the two of us, I found in you someone who I could open up to, something rare as I tend to be closed off, a bit emotionally unavailable and “in my head”.

Since then we’ve fought, stopped talking to each other, and argued over some petty shit. I regret all the time I wasted being mad at you, those wasted days would’ve been days we made memories together and for that I am sorry. At times I am blunt, a little mean and I take the tough love approach to life and friendships, still on my birthday even though we were mad all through out September you threw me a party … I smile thinking about it now, because you are so beautiful not only in outward appearance but in soul like Lisha even when I  mad at you , you still down for me, never had a friend like that before. You’ve heard about my wins, loses, series of unfortunate events and you’ve seen me hurt.

Watching you leave was hard, but that look in your mom’s eyes when that plane took off let me know that you are destined for greatness, so don’t you dare forget the struggle and hardship you had to go through just to make it to your destination. You can literally say you drove with a dark cloud over your head , just waiting to rain on your parade, flew through stormy weather , and traveled through Walmart with a single strap, but hell yes you’re the sun that pushes through the clouds of grey to give new life to the world, you’re gonna be huge. Fuck the glow up, we blowing up, little dreaming black girl making waves.

So till we meet again EZT , let these words bear testament to my love for you, you are my best friend, forever and always.

So whenever you need me, “Find me where the wild things are.” Alessia Cara- Wild Things

 

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Self Destruct: 71

“And just as the phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise
returning from the flames clothed in nothing but her strength
more beautiful than ever before. ” – Phoenix and Ashes

CashMoneyAp x CLS Beatz – No Love

So like an event of spontaneous human combustion, I was set on fire, and thrust into flames. Oxygen , my trusted friend , I had always known one day you’d be the one to betray me , but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I’d go out like this. For much of my life I had known myself to be an alkane , single bonded and kinetically stable in your presence, and being as ethnocentric as I was, I embraced my latin roots overvaluing my relatively low reactivity , and in turn undervaluing your own strength. The power to give and take, you had, and I  had overestimated my lack of desire to form ionic and covalent bonds, and in turn I forgot my value as a fuel , I saw myself as being only the gas to keep your ego going as you were credited for the entire process of combustion, for without you I would do nothing. So it’s no surprise when you set me on fire I readily burned like the flame eager to please a wick. I was put out and lit again as a reminder that my flame was only useful in the dead of night , where bulbs no longer worked and DOMLEC (Dominica Electricity Services) had once again taken [dem] lights. So, like a hamster ass nigga just caught in the loop ( Hopsin – Ill Mind of Hopsin 5 ) once again you set me ablaze, but this time you burnt my body to a crisp. I was no longer fit to keep on living and to breathe in the beautiful air that once stung my lungs to give me life. My death wasn’t due to your absence but your presence. My death was beautiful, and melancholic at the same time. – Forever yours C11H24

Learning to Love

Yesterday , I put down my phone for a few hours, picked up a self-help book, and sat in my yard in silence. I watched two hens  lead a large clutch of chicks over some green banana peels near the foot of that very crop, and it was then that I realized a young plant was also forming at the base of the tree. After being bitten near my butt by an overly friendly ant, I decided to walk to the other end of my yard and apparently there is also a small vine of passion fruits , and it was then that I was finally able to distinguish between the mango and kennip tree barks. I asked myself, where have I been? How could I have not known these things, so I lay down on the floor nearing the back of the house and I just gazed at the swaying coconut trees and the clouds in the hills. They had so much definition, the different shades of green and orange were so sharp, I felt calm,and at ease , and it wasn’t too long before I started to drift away.

Waking up in a renewed spirit, I remembered why I had taken a break in the first place. I needed to disconnect from everyone else, and find the comfort I once did in being by myself. I was content, and felt self-sufficient,  I reminded myself that I was indeed enough and worthy of being loved. I decided that I would learn who I am, understand my needs and wants, know what I deem acceptable and what I am willing to risk, and I decided I would reassess my values and develop standards all in the name of love. I believe in doing so, self love, the first step to true love, develops.

But why as a young twenty (20) year old woman ,  would I be so concerned about a love that wasn’t present right now. There was no one who had confessed their feelings,  and in turn I wasn’t “in love”. But meeting someone lately had reminded me to prepare myself for the love that I wanted , the amazing, unconditional love I pray that God has in store for me-the love I not only want to feel for myself, but the love I want to feel for someone else. So here goes, today is the first day that I am learning to love.

This post is the first in my “To Love and Be Loved” series , so look out for more posts. But right now it’s Destra Vs. Lucy , and I feel so nice. 😀